Motorcycles have always been somewhat of a “thing” in my family.
My dad owned a Harley for most of my life before selling it to my oldest first cousin, and now the majority of my cousins have or are planning to get their own. I’ve ridden them since childhood and grew up watching my dad clean and fix his. As a teenager, I’d listen to him critique the safety and styles of others in passing – so, I’m somewhat familiar with what’s what.
Having said all this, I never had a grand desire for a bike of my own. Yeah, I thought it’d be cool and Blake and I thought of buying some and going cross country – but nothing ever came of it.
Now, however, I think of getting a bike almost constantly.
When Blake died, I felt like I had died with him. Honestly, as a twin, I know I did. I went from living my life with a plural identity to suddenly being thrown into the singular – and I just don’t know how else to explain it without going on a five hour long tangent.
Needless to say, I was and am in the process of discovering myself without my twin.
And that has come in the form of finally getting that tattoo I’ve always wanted. Chopping my long locks off. Slapping on some sassy lipstick. And a few other things that might not mean a lot to some but, to me, they’re all a part of figuring out my solo identity.
Somewhere amidst all of that, I’ve stopped dreaming of my white knight coming to save me. I’ve stopped wanting to be that perfect, Catholic girl image. It’s not that I’ve given up my beliefs – because I haven’t – I’ve just given up a lot of my ideals.
I want to be my own heroine.
I want to read my own story without being bored to death.
I want to acknowledge the shedding of my previous skin while letting my molecules form a new one.
I felt like I tried to be so perfect before and it didn’t get me anywhere. I still lost my brother. My job. My apartment. My life. That perfection didn’t save me when everything went black – so why try to build it back up?
Nope. I’m good.
So now I’m thinking of dark knights instead of white. I’m thinking of lip stick instead of gloss. I’m thinking of edgy hair instead of long.
And I’m thinking of motorcycles.
One in particular.
And the destinations that one will take me.