Main Image of Haunted Heart and Decked Out Do Post

Haunted Heart and Decked Out Do

This weekend was my first haircut since my brother died.

And I felt like I was at a different, no-less meaningful stage of mourning. Some people may not understand the level of emotion associated with such a “menial” change and that’s okay because, since my twin passed, I no longer feel obligated to worry about what other people think. But, for simple clarification for those who don’t understand, I will say that when a loved one passes then everything becomes important – especially when it’s a “first” moment.

Image of Haunted Heart and Decked Out Do SayingFor me, this would be my first haircut since Blake was murdered. That means the hair on my head was the last hair he exhaled upon when he gave me a hug and the final strands he tugged on when he was teasing me. So yeah, it took a long while before I was even remotely okay with getting those precious memories cut away from my head. One of my favorites is that my brother always told me my hair smelled good – or when it didn’t – and it’s piddly things like that that make you ball like a baby.


I ended up getting dressed up for the occasion. I wasn’t wearing a dress or anything formal but, compared to my normal pajama bottom and mismatched shirt look since Blake passed, I was pretty spiffy in jeans and a faded T-shirt. On top of that, I did my hair and makeup. Like, really did my hair and makeup. Most notably, I put on lipstick – which I’ve never really done too much before – and it wasn’t just a quick swiping of lip gloss. I’m talking, I bought dark gray, matte lipstick and took my time getting my lips to look just perfect.

When I saw my mom later in the day, she told me I looked like I was channeling my inner goth. I mentioned that I did it because I was in mourning for my hair. But, to be honest, I did it because I was feeling edgy. I even chose an edgy, completely daring style of cut that “normally” – as in prior to Blake’s death – would have been furthest from my mind. But, not any more. My hairdresser took over from there and, although she softened the look quite a bit, I still ended up really loving it. It feels like a good transition to the next step… whatever that may be.

So with my decked out do, my liberalized lips, and my haunted heart I’m venturing out.


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