This weekend was my first haircut since my brother died.

And I felt like I was at a different, no-less meaningful stage of mourning. Some people may not understand the level of emotion associated with such a “menial” change and that’s okay because, since my twin passed, I no longer feel obligated to worry about what other people think. But, for simple clarification for those who don’t understand, I will say that when a loved one passes then everything becomes important – especially when it’s a “first” moment.

For me, this would be my first haircut since Blake was murdered. That means the hair on my head was the last hair he exhaled upon when he gave me a hug and the final strands he tugged on when he was teasing me. So yeah, it took a long while before I was even remotely okay with getting those precious memories cut away from my head. One of my favorites is that my brother always told me my hair smelled good – or when it didn’t – and it’s piddly things like that that make you ball like a baby.

So…

I ended up getting dressed up for the occasion. I wasn’t wearing a dress or anything formal but, compared to my normal pajama bottom and mismatched shirt look since Blake passed, I was pretty spiffy in jeans and a faded T-shirt. On top of that, I did my hair and makeup. Like, really did my hair and makeup. Most notably, I put on lipstick – which I’ve never really done too much before – and it wasn’t just a quick swiping of lip gloss. I’m talking, I bought dark gray, matte lipstick and took my time getting my lips to look just perfect.

When I saw my mom later in the day, she told me I looked like I was channeling my inner goth. I mentioned that I did it because I was in mourning for my hair. But, to be honest, I did it because I was feeling edgy. I even chose an edgy, completely daring style of cut that “normally” – as in prior to Blake’s death – would have been furthest from my mind. But, not any more. My hairdresser took over from there and, although she softened the look quite a bit, I still ended up really loving it. It feels like a good transition to the next step… whatever that may be.

So with my decked out do, my liberalized lips, and my haunted heart I’m venturing out.